As I’ve been thinking through the topic of money—it’s uses, stewardship issues and inherent responsibilities—it’s become clear that my thoughts on finances are likely very different from many other individuals’. That’s not so much of a problem between me and most people because neither side has a say over how the other utilizes their resources. But what if the person, whose views vary greatly from mine, is my spouse?
Reading that, some of you married folks are likely wincing. You know exactly what I’m talking about. In our pre-marriage counseling, someone wisely pointed out to my husband and I that money is one of the three biggest reasons for conflict within a marriage. I have read elsewhere that two thirds of divorces cite money problems as a root cause. Unfortunately, most couples don’t stop to consider how and why the topic of money can be so divisive, and their marriages reflect the consequences of that oversight. The answer is fairly simple, while the solution can take a lot of work.
As children, we were all trained to hold certain perspectives and values in regard to money. Our parents may have explicitly helped us learn money management. They may have counseled us, given us money to manage, helped us find a job, and taught us how to budget and make wise decisions. More than likely, however, our parents did none of these. But still they trained us. We grew up observing their spending and saving habits. Regardless of what they told us, we quickly surmised their true core values by watching how they handled their finances and, more than likely, those caught values became our own. As diverse as upbringings between spouses usually is, it’s no wonder that finances can cause so much friction.
On top of that, you’ve heard it said that opposites attract. Individual partners in many of the couples I know are almost polar opposites. Personality plays a key part in all aspects of life including a significant role in the way money is handled. There are spontaneous spenders and careful savers. You can just imagine (or have experienced) the tension a couple faces over a significant financial decision as they approach it from very different perspectives.
My husband and I are a great example of these differences in upbringing and personality. My parents did an excellent job of teaching each of their children how to properly handle finances. I was raised to save money, to appreciate the limited amount my family enjoyed, and to see it as a resource to do God’s work. I am by nature a saver. I save many things, not just money. My husband, on the other hand, was not taught to be financially savvy. He was raised to see money as a means to achieve comfort and acquire temporary happiness. His resources growing up were fairly unlimited and delaying instant gratification was not a caught value. Saving was not a priority he was taught, nor is it one he naturally has. As you might guess, our views on money clashed mightily. It became clear right from the beginning that money could either become a tool God used to draw us closer together or a wedge that would drive us apart. The choice became ours.
The issue of money between spouses can become a powerful unifying instrument, a means of deep personal character growth and change, as well as a way to deeper understanding and acceptance. It can also become a tool to punish, a means to control, and a hill to die on. Trust and togetherness can be won and lost on this crucial issue. It would be fantastic if we could all enter marriage with the proper financial training, having made wise choices and utilizing open communication on this sensitive topic, but that is just not the case.
As my husband and I wrestled through this issue, it became clear that we both had a ways to go in our understanding of God’s financial plan for us. Both of us had erroneous views on money and it’s uses. Both of us had to learn to trust and rely on each other to bring our financial decisions into balance. Both of us had to learn to keep the lines of communication open and resolve our monetary issues together under God’s direction. After seven plus years, I have to say that the hard work is paying off. We still disagree and still challenge each other in this area, but God has brought both of us into a closer alignment with His views, so those times when we clash have become fewer and far less volatile. He has also been able to use us, as a unified couple, to accomplish some significant financial projects for His kingdom.
It’s clear due to the state of the world we live in, it’s uncertainty, drive for personal pleasure and focus on self-sufficiency, that money will always be a topic of discussion and potential division within marriage. Becoming, and staying aware, of the possible pitfall it presents to your marital unity can save a lot of grief. Whether you are just starting out on the marriage journey or have traveled quite a distance, taking the time to build a firm unified foundation on this topic will pay untold dividends.
Below are some significant tools to help build a firm financial foundation as a married couple.
- COMMUNICATION – Be willing to keep the door to unifying communication open with your spouse on the topic of money. Many couples have virtually no ongoing financial communication other than argument.
- CONTINUED PRAYER – Ask for God’s wisdom and help to bring you to consensus. He has given us whatever resources we have and He desires to see us unified and useful for His service more than we do. “19 “I also tell you this: If two of you agree here on earth concerning anything you ask, my Father in heaven will do it for you. 20 For where two or three gather together as my followers, I am there among them.” (Matthew 18:19-20) NLT
- COUNSELING – Be open and willing to go as individuals and couples for both relational and financial concerns. My husband and I have utilized this resource several times and greatly benefited from the experience of wise financial counselors as well as those who helped us work on our communication and underlying assumptions and values regarding money. "Without consultation, plans are frustrated, but with many counselors they succeed." (Proverbs 15:22) NASB
- CREATE GOALS TOGETHER – If spouses don’t know where they want to go financially or have differing destinations, confusion and tension are inevitable. Generating a realistic, measurable budget and long term goals will help keep both sides on track when decisions need to be made. “For which one of you, when he wants to build a tower, does not first sit down and calculate the cost to see if he has enough to complete it?” (Luke 14:28) NASB
NEXT TIME: Grocery Budgeting, my 12 week grocery budgeting challenge findings.
